Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Friday, November 12, 2010
Its SF man
Today Sir Loon asked me multiple times whether the bottle(s) in my hands was what he thought it was. Wtf man, what did you think it would have been? I'm highly offended. Really I am. Its SF man
Monday, July 12, 2010
Very Comfortably Numb
It took a long time to hit me. I had an outsider's shot at best in the beginning, the interview went well but they didn't really ask me any really tough questions. But at the end of the end, I got the job, and it is the ideal job I could have reasonably expected. Hell it is above expectations, I am a 3 point someone after all.
When did it start sinking in? Not immediately, that is for sure. I was experiencing a surreal perspective where I was looking from outside as a spectator when I first heard it. My mother broke down when she first heard it, and a part of me wondered why she would do that. Even when I shakily signed the contract, it was mostly because of nerves on seeing the big numbers swimming in front of me.
I suppose it first started hitting me in the pub afterward. The more drunk I got, the more the import of what I had just achieved started to sink. If I had to pick a moment, it finally hit me when Comfortably Numb, one of my all time favourites, started to play on the TV. For any graduate of Don Bosco 2006, the song has a special significance. Furthermore, it is the song which really shifted me to rock, a transition I have never had a need to regret. It is a song which has been a constant companion since I first heard it, it is fitting that it capped the declaration of the beginning of the next chapter of my life. The more things change, the more they remain the same. And yet, the only constant is change, one can only hope it is to one's liking. May this next step be as fruitful as I hope it will be.
Enough senti, up next, my top 25 things which defined this World Cup. Watch this space.
When did it start sinking in? Not immediately, that is for sure. I was experiencing a surreal perspective where I was looking from outside as a spectator when I first heard it. My mother broke down when she first heard it, and a part of me wondered why she would do that. Even when I shakily signed the contract, it was mostly because of nerves on seeing the big numbers swimming in front of me.
I suppose it first started hitting me in the pub afterward. The more drunk I got, the more the import of what I had just achieved started to sink. If I had to pick a moment, it finally hit me when Comfortably Numb, one of my all time favourites, started to play on the TV. For any graduate of Don Bosco 2006, the song has a special significance. Furthermore, it is the song which really shifted me to rock, a transition I have never had a need to regret. It is a song which has been a constant companion since I first heard it, it is fitting that it capped the declaration of the beginning of the next chapter of my life. The more things change, the more they remain the same. And yet, the only constant is change, one can only hope it is to one's liking. May this next step be as fruitful as I hope it will be.
Enough senti, up next, my top 25 things which defined this World Cup. Watch this space.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
And. Here. We... Go
It's been just four years. It's been too long.
The World Cup is starting in a few hours. It is about the only event for which 'the world will stand still' is not just a cliche. It is the first and most vigorously marked day on every football fan's calendar. It creates legends and destroys myths. It is the ultimate test of greatness for any great player, you have not made it until you have performed admirably in your quest for this elegant and coveted trophy. It is contested by teams which are not together for more than a few weeks a year and yet manage to show a solidarity and enjoy uncontestable support unseen in any club. It is the one title which any player says he wants more than anything else, and for once he is not being diplomatic. It is, quite simply, the greatest show on Earth.
So sit back, cross your legs and let the television remote grow cobwebs for the next month. The show is just starting, sunshine.
The World Cup is starting in a few hours. It is about the only event for which 'the world will stand still' is not just a cliche. It is the first and most vigorously marked day on every football fan's calendar. It creates legends and destroys myths. It is the ultimate test of greatness for any great player, you have not made it until you have performed admirably in your quest for this elegant and coveted trophy. It is contested by teams which are not together for more than a few weeks a year and yet manage to show a solidarity and enjoy uncontestable support unseen in any club. It is the one title which any player says he wants more than anything else, and for once he is not being diplomatic. It is, quite simply, the greatest show on Earth.
So sit back, cross your legs and let the television remote grow cobwebs for the next month. The show is just starting, sunshine.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Homesickness
Very rarely have I felt this emotion even though living away from home is a part of life I had to accept long ago. Then again, almost a year without going home would make even me fidgety to back to Cal, I'm still just a college kid after all. It's been too long since I saw family, friends and the city. It's time I did.
EDIT: Didn't realise this was the 50th post. Wouldn't have wasted it on something emo if I did. Oh well...
EDIT: Didn't realise this was the 50th post. Wouldn't have wasted it on something emo if I did. Oh well...
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Some Things Don't Change, Even When They Do - Delhi
Hello, my fictional readership. You must be wondering about the reason of my long absence. It's just my last post was my 42nd and the Hitchhiker in me couldn't resist keeping it that way.
Not really, I've just been too lazy, no other excuses.
Hell, why do I need an excuse? It's my blog, I can be as frequent as I want to in updating it. You're not the boss of me. Especially since you don't exist.
...
Well, that was fun. Anyway, the subject of this post is my long overdue return to Delhi, the city I lived in for three years and left in 2001. It would be an understatement to say that the city I left doesn't exist anymore. When I left, Dhaula Kuan was still a circle, now it's a mess of flyovers. I was so disoriented I went past my school and only realised it at the last moment. And that was just the beginning, the city has changed enormously in the span of a decade and some parts are pretty much unrecognisable. A lot of the changes are good, the roads have become wider, the Metro is a godsend, the booze is cheaper than Bangalore. But for someone who expected a little more familiarity, this has been unnerving. Still, I was able to orient myself after a week and now I am comfortable with it.
Of course, some things never change. Old Delhi is still the same, with its narrow busy roads and delicious cheap food (or diarrhoea if you don't know where to look for it). The corridors of power remain pristine. Outer CP has the same charm even though the inner circle has changed face completely. And the heartbeat of the city ticks the same way, Delhi was, is and always will be a city of people who are show offs and ill-tempered, but at the same time go the extra mile in helping you. And it is the people who really make the city after all, they breathe life into the facade.
I am more than two weeks into my stay now, and although I would have liked to travel around a it more by now, it's been an enjoyable stay. I wouldn't mind working here if the opportunity would arise. I find that I still like the city.
Except for the part where my phone got stolen. Sucks.
Omnia mutantur, nihil inherit.
Not really, I've just been too lazy, no other excuses.
Hell, why do I need an excuse? It's my blog, I can be as frequent as I want to in updating it. You're not the boss of me. Especially since you don't exist.
...
Well, that was fun. Anyway, the subject of this post is my long overdue return to Delhi, the city I lived in for three years and left in 2001. It would be an understatement to say that the city I left doesn't exist anymore. When I left, Dhaula Kuan was still a circle, now it's a mess of flyovers. I was so disoriented I went past my school and only realised it at the last moment. And that was just the beginning, the city has changed enormously in the span of a decade and some parts are pretty much unrecognisable. A lot of the changes are good, the roads have become wider, the Metro is a godsend, the booze is cheaper than Bangalore. But for someone who expected a little more familiarity, this has been unnerving. Still, I was able to orient myself after a week and now I am comfortable with it.
Of course, some things never change. Old Delhi is still the same, with its narrow busy roads and delicious cheap food (or diarrhoea if you don't know where to look for it). The corridors of power remain pristine. Outer CP has the same charm even though the inner circle has changed face completely. And the heartbeat of the city ticks the same way, Delhi was, is and always will be a city of people who are show offs and ill-tempered, but at the same time go the extra mile in helping you. And it is the people who really make the city after all, they breathe life into the facade.
I am more than two weeks into my stay now, and although I would have liked to travel around a it more by now, it's been an enjoyable stay. I wouldn't mind working here if the opportunity would arise. I find that I still like the city.
Except for the part where my phone got stolen. Sucks.
Omnia mutantur, nihil inherit.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Comeback of (Out of) Sorts
It's 7:30 am. I haven't slept all night.
In fact, I've slept three hours in the last three days because I've been working on my moot memorials (which just got submitted, fingers crossed). Now I can do with sleep deprivation better than most people, but this is really, pushing it.
No point in going to sleep now, I'll miss class. Speaking of which, first two hours is the attendance cutting marching maniac, super-Nagarathna Saibaba. And she hates me. So I can't afford to sleep for the first two hours.
It's a perfect recipe for disaster.
Might as well go shave and remove the two week old itchy-scratchy beard. If I am found death with a pool of blood coagulating around my throat, please note that it wasn't a suicide attempt. I probably dozed off and used the razor as something to lean on.
In fact, I've slept three hours in the last three days because I've been working on my moot memorials (which just got submitted, fingers crossed). Now I can do with sleep deprivation better than most people, but this is really, pushing it.
No point in going to sleep now, I'll miss class. Speaking of which, first two hours is the attendance cutting marching maniac, super-Nagarathna Saibaba. And she hates me. So I can't afford to sleep for the first two hours.
It's a perfect recipe for disaster.
Might as well go shave and remove the two week old itchy-scratchy beard. If I am found death with a pool of blood coagulating around my throat, please note that it wasn't a suicide attempt. I probably dozed off and used the razor as something to lean on.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
... Forever
My voice is almost gone.
I have never drank so much as I have in the last four days.
I have never mixed drinks this much and all this is giving me frequent bouts of nausea.
My legs have buckled innumerable times in the last few hours after three days of standing in the sun.
I have worn the same pair of three-quarters for the last three days even though they have obtained layers of dust by now.
Strawberry Fields...
I have never drank so much as I have in the last four days.
I have never mixed drinks this much and all this is giving me frequent bouts of nausea.
My legs have buckled innumerable times in the last few hours after three days of standing in the sun.
I have worn the same pair of three-quarters for the last three days even though they have obtained layers of dust by now.
Strawberry Fields...
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Mitch Hedberg Quotes
Routine post till I come up with something after projects. Picked it up from the little piece of internet heaven called KL! (won't describe it over the blog because that will break Fight Club rules), thanks MSD.
Mitch Hedberg rocks, in my humble opinion. He's up there with Hicks, God rest his soul. No one delivered surreal humour better. The ones I really like are in bold.
P.S. it's pretty long, you have been warned.
* I got an ant farm... them fellas didn't grow shit!
* I went to a doctor, all he did was suck blood from my neck. Don't go see Dr. Acula.
* I had a Mr. Pibb, Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper... but it's the bullshit replica, cause dude didn't even get his degree.
* One time a guy handed me a picture and said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger! "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera.
* I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks... it'd be so damn literal! You are using that machine to its exact purpose!
* Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
* I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn, because people honk the car horn too much. 3 honks, that's the limit. And then someone cuts you off, ffffft, you press your horn, nothing happens. You're like, "shit! I wish I wouldn't have seen Ricky on the sidewalk!"
* I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
* I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
* I wanna be a race car passenger - just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide."
* My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "no, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah."
* I walked by a drycleaner at 3am, the sign said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry, it's 3am and you're a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk in at 10am and say "Hey, I walked in at 3am and you guys were closed. Somebody owes me an apology."
* I got a business card, cause I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: "Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner."
* I had a paper route when I was a kid, I was a paper boy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses... or 2 dumpsters!
* I like the hot tubs at the hotels. I like to go there when there's a guy in there already, I say "hey man, you mind if I join you?" He says no. Then I go and I turn the whirlpool heat up, then I go by and I add some carrots and onions. Then I say "hey man, just simmer for a whil- I mean, sit there."
* I would like to have a product that was available for 3 easy payments and one Frackin' complicated payment. We ain't gonna tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch!
* I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. It's like, "dude, you have to wait."
* I saw a commercial that said, "forget everything you know about slip covers!" So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slip covers, but I didn't know what the hell they were.
* Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way, right? "Prices and participation may vary." I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets!
* I was gonna have my teeth whitened, but then I said Frack that, I'll just get a tan instead.
* I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I said, "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!"
* I bought a house, it's a 2-bedroom house. But I think it's up to me how many bedrooms there are, don't you? Frack you real estate lady, this bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house.
* I like the FedEx driver, because he's a drug dealer, and he don't even know it.
* I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.
* You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy? But often times they use too many letters. "Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting." It's too many letters, man. "Hello?" "Hold on, I'm only on 'Enjoy'! How did you know I was calling?"
* I bought a 7 dollar pen, because I always lose pens, and I got sick of not caring.
* I would imagine if you understood Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy!
* I had a small scene in a movie with Peter Frampton. And we had to smoke pot for our scene - but it was fake pot! Do not buy pot on a movie set. But I got to smoke fake pot with Peter Frampton, that's a cool story. It's as cool as smoking real pot with a guy who looks like Peter Frampton... I've done that way more.
* The thing that's depressing about tennis is, no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once... they're Fracking relentless!
* People ask me what words mean... they say, "what does 'composition' mean?" Some people would say, "put it in a sentence." But I need a little more. "Put it in a play."
* If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and someone offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Because inside is a note that says "say thanks."
* Every book is a children's book, if the kid can read!
* My friend said to me "I think the weather's trippy." And I said "No man, it's not the weather that's trippy. Perhaps it is the way that we percieve it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought "man, I should have just said 'yeah'."
* I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an "escalator temporarily out of order" sign, just "Escalator temporarily stairs... sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."
* When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light... and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
* I was in a hotel room and my friend comes over, he says "can I use the phone?" I said "certainly." He said "do I need to dial 9?" "Yeah... especially if it's in the number. You can try 4 and 5 back to back real quick."
* I wanna get a job naming kitchen appliances, that seems easy. Refrigerator, toaster, blender... you just say what the thing does, then you add "er". Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute... "What does this thing do?" "It keeps shit fresh." "Well then that's a fresher! I'm going on break."
* I did a radio interview with XM radio... they said "you can swear on XM radio." No shit, cause nobody can hear it. You can swear in the woods, too!
* As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes... all exciting at first, but then by the end you're Frackin' sick of em.
* Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. Goddammit Otto, you're an alcoholic! Goddammit Otto, you have lupus! One of those two doesn't sound right.
* I know a lot about cars, I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
* I say the word "totally" way too much. I need to change it and use a word that's different but means the same. "Mitch, do you like submarine sandwiches?" "All-encompassingly!"
* I went to the Home Depot the other day, which was unnecessary... I need to go to the Apartment Depot, which is just a big warehouse with people standing around saying "hey, we ain't gotta fix shit!"
* I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
* I like refried beans, that's why I wanna try fried beans. Cause maybe they're just as good, and we're wasting time. You don't have to fry them again, after all!
* I hate dreaming, because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room... next thing I know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
* I drank some boiling water, because I wanted to whistle.
* On a traffic light, green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana, it's just the opposite. Green means hold on. Yellow means go ahead. And red means, where the Frack did you get that banana at?
* My apartment is infested with koala bears... it's the cutest infestation ever! Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want 'em to, you know?
* I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it. So I would buy a baby naming book... or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on!
* I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographers' fault! Bigfoot is blurry... and that's extra scary to me. Cause there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.
* I opened up a yogurt, and underneath the lid it said "please try again", because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. "Come on Mitchell, don't give up... please try again." A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
* I miss the $2... I could break a $2.
* My sister wanted to be an actress... she never made it, but she does live in a trailer. She got half-way. It's like she's an actress, she's just never called to the set.
* Sometimes I wave to people I don't know... very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky! Look what I got, motherFracker... this thing is useful! I'm gonna go pick something up!
* Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus? Or just a really cool opotamus?
* I did a radio interview, the DJ's first question was "who are you?" I had to think: is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?
* I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitors' coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. "Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free."
* Last time I called shotgun, we had rented a limo... so I Fracked up.
* Foosball Fracked up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball, and then spin around and round. I can't do a backflip, much less several... simultaneously with two other guys... that look just like me.
* I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on 'em. Hell yeah! Reminds me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque, and throw down on some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on... "you better flip that Frito dad, you know how I like it."
* You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just gonna ask where they're going, and hook up with them later.
* Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit! You would not want to submerge your head... nothing but fish going "Ahhhh, Frack! I thought I looked like that rock!"
* The club owner here hooks me up with drugs, like cocaine or pot brownies. But last time I was in town he gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted. But I'm not, so what happened to me was I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would be telling me a story, then the story would end and I'd get all mad and shit. "Come on man, there's gotta be more to that story!"
* I wake up in the morning, I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, then I don't do shit for an hour. Which makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal! I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
* I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument. Cause then I tried to walk out, and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up really quick?
* I mumble a lot off stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he won't hear me, he'll say "what?" So I'll say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me, so he says "what?" But really it's just some insignificant shit that I'm saying... but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far away!"
* I did comedy for a fundraiser once, we were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.
* I've had the AIDS test four times. And that shit is scary, doesn't matter what you've been doing. So I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore, I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call up my friend Brian and say "Brian, do you know anyone that has AIDS? No? Cool... cause you know me."
* I get the Reese's candy bar... if you read that name, Reese's, that's an "apostrophe s" on the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy named Reese comes buy and says "let me have that", you better hand it over. "I'm sorry Reese, I didn't think I'd ever run into you. You're a Frackin' bully, man!"
* The Kit-Kat candy bar has the name "Kit-Kat" imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique. I'll go down to the factory... "you owe me some letters!"
* As a comedian, I always get into situations where I'm auditioning for movies and sitcoms, you know? As a comedian, they want you to do other things besides comedy. They say "alright you're a comedian, can you write? Write us a script. Act in this sitcom." They want me to do shit that's related to comedy, but it's not comedy, man. It's not fair, you know? It's as though if I was a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a really good cook, and they said "alright you're a cook... can you farm?"
* This one guy said "look at that girl's butt! She has a nice butt." I said "yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently."
* 2 in 1 shampoo... 2 in 1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created. If it was 2 in 1, it would be overflowing... the bottle would be all sticky and shit.
* I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut, man, I'll just give you the money then you give me the doughnut! End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend... don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's at home... in the file... under 'D'.
* I called the hotel operator, she said "how can I direct your call?" Well, you could say "action!" And I will begin to dial. And then when I say goodbye, you could yell "cut!"
* When we were on acid, we would go into the woods... cause when you're in the woods tripping, there's less likely a chance you'll run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. That was even more of a buzzkill. My friend Dwayne was standing there raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear, he put his arm around my shoulder, he said "Mitchell... Smokey is way more intense in person!"
* I had the cab driver drive me here backwards... the Fracker owed me $27.50!
* I bought a scratch-off ticket, but then I accidentally spilled some cortizone cream on it, so it did not need to be scratched.
* I played in a death metal band. People either loved us or they hated us... or they thought we were okay. A lot of death metal bands have intense names, like "Rigormortis" or "Mortuary" or "Obituary". We weren't that intense, we just went with "Injured". Later on we changed it to "A Capella"... as we were walking out of the pawn shop.
* I'm an ice sculptor... last night I made a cube.
* I was in downtown Boise Idaho and I saw a duck. And I knew the duck was lost, cause ducks ain't supposed to be downtown, there's nothing for 'em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop, I said "let me have a bun." But she wouldn't sell me just the bun, she said I had to have something on it. She told me it's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch. So I said alright, well put some lettuce on it. They said, "that'll be $1.75." I said "it's for a duck." They said "alright, well then it's free." See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway!! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. "Let me have the steak fajita sub. But don't bother ringing it up... it's for a duck! There are 6 ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!!"
* I flew over an island that said "S.O.S.", so I landed, because I wanted to clean their pans.
* You know when they show someone on TV, washing their hair under a waterfall? That's Fracking bullshit man... cause that thing would knock you on your ass!
* I saw a billboard for a lottery, it said "estimated lotto jackpot 55 million." See, I did not know that shit was estimated. That would suck if you won and they go, "oh, we were off by two zeros. We estimate that you are angry!"
* My girlfriend works at Hooters... in the kitchen.
* Stephen Lynch is funny, he's a hard act to follow. I'm a hard act to follow too, cause when I'm done I take the microphone with me.
* I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like 222-2222. I would say sweet. People would say "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I would say, "Just press 2 for a while! And when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough."
* I'm so glad I'm almost done the set, man... because I have a roll of Lifesavers in my pocket, and pineapple is next!
* When you go to a restaurant on the weekends, it's busy, so they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrene, party of 2. Table ready for Dufrene, party of 2." And if no one answers, they'll say their name again. "Dufrane, party of 2." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of 3." Yeah... what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! You Frackers are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry - that's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, SEARCH party of 3! You can eat once you find the Dufrenes.
* My manager was concerned, he said "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch... because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely screws up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.
* I used to live here in Los Angeles... and I had an apartment, and I had a neighbor. And whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down. And that made me angry, cause I like loud music. So when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "go around! I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there's nothing... it's just flat!"
* I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
* I smoke cigars occasionally, I don't know a lot about cigars. Like I'm at the cigar store, the man behind the counter says "what kind of cigars do you like?" "Uhh... Itsaboys."
* I used to have really long hair, and people thought I was high on stage, because people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long-haired guy, they'd say "that Fracker eats cake! He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"
* I had a roommate, his name was Eddie, and Eddie was slow on the mental draw. I was writing a letter, I had a problem... I said, "Ed, how do you abbreviate Arkansas?" He said, "I don't know, just start spelling it, then quit!"
* Like, we had a refrigerator with a hard-boiled egg inside, after a few days the shell started to crack. Eddie's first comment was "man, this guy's a survivor!"
* I can't floss my teeth, man... I can't get into the flossing thing. People who smoke cigarettes, they say "man, you don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing!
* You know when you go to concerts, and the kids get on stage and they jump into the crowd, stage diving? People think that's dangerous, but not me. Because humans are made out of 95% water! So the audience is 5 percent away from a pool.
* I rent a lot of cars, cause I go on the road. And when I drive a rental car, I don't know what's going on with it, right? So a lot of times I'll drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake.
* I play the guitar, I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision... because I didn't know how to play it, so I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me.
* I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store and you stand in front of the lunchmeat section for too long, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see, like, turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna... somebody needs to tell the turkeys, "man, just be yourself!"
* I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man! I don't know how I get away with it.
"I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread."
"So do I."
"Well let's form a club then."
"Okay, but we need some more stipulations."
"Yes we do. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again."
"Yes, four triangles. And we will position them into a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips."
"Or potato salad."
"Okay. Lemme ask you a question: how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?"
"I'm for 'em!"
"Well this club is formed. Spread the word on menus nationwide!"
Mitch Hedberg rocks, in my humble opinion. He's up there with Hicks, God rest his soul. No one delivered surreal humour better. The ones I really like are in bold.
P.S. it's pretty long, you have been warned.
* I got an ant farm... them fellas didn't grow shit!
* I went to a doctor, all he did was suck blood from my neck. Don't go see Dr. Acula.
* I had a Mr. Pibb, Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper... but it's the bullshit replica, cause dude didn't even get his degree.
* One time a guy handed me a picture and said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger! "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera.
* I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks... it'd be so damn literal! You are using that machine to its exact purpose!
* Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
* I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn, because people honk the car horn too much. 3 honks, that's the limit. And then someone cuts you off, ffffft, you press your horn, nothing happens. You're like, "shit! I wish I wouldn't have seen Ricky on the sidewalk!"
* I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
* I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
* I wanna be a race car passenger - just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide."
* My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "no, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah."
* I walked by a drycleaner at 3am, the sign said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry, it's 3am and you're a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk in at 10am and say "Hey, I walked in at 3am and you guys were closed. Somebody owes me an apology."
* I got a business card, cause I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: "Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner."
* I had a paper route when I was a kid, I was a paper boy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses... or 2 dumpsters!
* I like the hot tubs at the hotels. I like to go there when there's a guy in there already, I say "hey man, you mind if I join you?" He says no. Then I go and I turn the whirlpool heat up, then I go by and I add some carrots and onions. Then I say "hey man, just simmer for a whil- I mean, sit there."
* I would like to have a product that was available for 3 easy payments and one Frackin' complicated payment. We ain't gonna tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch!
* I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. It's like, "dude, you have to wait."
* I saw a commercial that said, "forget everything you know about slip covers!" So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slip covers, but I didn't know what the hell they were.
* Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way, right? "Prices and participation may vary." I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets!
* I was gonna have my teeth whitened, but then I said Frack that, I'll just get a tan instead.
* I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I said, "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!"
* I bought a house, it's a 2-bedroom house. But I think it's up to me how many bedrooms there are, don't you? Frack you real estate lady, this bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house.
* I like the FedEx driver, because he's a drug dealer, and he don't even know it.
* I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.
* You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy? But often times they use too many letters. "Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting." It's too many letters, man. "Hello?" "Hold on, I'm only on 'Enjoy'! How did you know I was calling?"
* I bought a 7 dollar pen, because I always lose pens, and I got sick of not caring.
* I would imagine if you understood Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy!
* I had a small scene in a movie with Peter Frampton. And we had to smoke pot for our scene - but it was fake pot! Do not buy pot on a movie set. But I got to smoke fake pot with Peter Frampton, that's a cool story. It's as cool as smoking real pot with a guy who looks like Peter Frampton... I've done that way more.
* The thing that's depressing about tennis is, no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once... they're Fracking relentless!
* People ask me what words mean... they say, "what does 'composition' mean?" Some people would say, "put it in a sentence." But I need a little more. "Put it in a play."
* If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and someone offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Because inside is a note that says "say thanks."
* Every book is a children's book, if the kid can read!
* My friend said to me "I think the weather's trippy." And I said "No man, it's not the weather that's trippy. Perhaps it is the way that we percieve it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought "man, I should have just said 'yeah'."
* I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an "escalator temporarily out of order" sign, just "Escalator temporarily stairs... sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."
* When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light... and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
* I was in a hotel room and my friend comes over, he says "can I use the phone?" I said "certainly." He said "do I need to dial 9?" "Yeah... especially if it's in the number. You can try 4 and 5 back to back real quick."
* I wanna get a job naming kitchen appliances, that seems easy. Refrigerator, toaster, blender... you just say what the thing does, then you add "er". Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute... "What does this thing do?" "It keeps shit fresh." "Well then that's a fresher! I'm going on break."
* I did a radio interview with XM radio... they said "you can swear on XM radio." No shit, cause nobody can hear it. You can swear in the woods, too!
* As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes... all exciting at first, but then by the end you're Frackin' sick of em.
* Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. Goddammit Otto, you're an alcoholic! Goddammit Otto, you have lupus! One of those two doesn't sound right.
* I know a lot about cars, I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
* I say the word "totally" way too much. I need to change it and use a word that's different but means the same. "Mitch, do you like submarine sandwiches?" "All-encompassingly!"
* I went to the Home Depot the other day, which was unnecessary... I need to go to the Apartment Depot, which is just a big warehouse with people standing around saying "hey, we ain't gotta fix shit!"
* I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
* I like refried beans, that's why I wanna try fried beans. Cause maybe they're just as good, and we're wasting time. You don't have to fry them again, after all!
* I hate dreaming, because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room... next thing I know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
* I drank some boiling water, because I wanted to whistle.
* On a traffic light, green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana, it's just the opposite. Green means hold on. Yellow means go ahead. And red means, where the Frack did you get that banana at?
* My apartment is infested with koala bears... it's the cutest infestation ever! Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want 'em to, you know?
* I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it. So I would buy a baby naming book... or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on!
* I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographers' fault! Bigfoot is blurry... and that's extra scary to me. Cause there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.
* I opened up a yogurt, and underneath the lid it said "please try again", because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. "Come on Mitchell, don't give up... please try again." A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
* I miss the $2... I could break a $2.
* My sister wanted to be an actress... she never made it, but she does live in a trailer. She got half-way. It's like she's an actress, she's just never called to the set.
* Sometimes I wave to people I don't know... very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky! Look what I got, motherFracker... this thing is useful! I'm gonna go pick something up!
* Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus? Or just a really cool opotamus?
* I did a radio interview, the DJ's first question was "who are you?" I had to think: is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?
* I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitors' coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. "Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free."
* Last time I called shotgun, we had rented a limo... so I Fracked up.
* Foosball Fracked up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball, and then spin around and round. I can't do a backflip, much less several... simultaneously with two other guys... that look just like me.
* I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on 'em. Hell yeah! Reminds me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque, and throw down on some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on... "you better flip that Frito dad, you know how I like it."
* You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just gonna ask where they're going, and hook up with them later.
* Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit! You would not want to submerge your head... nothing but fish going "Ahhhh, Frack! I thought I looked like that rock!"
* The club owner here hooks me up with drugs, like cocaine or pot brownies. But last time I was in town he gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted. But I'm not, so what happened to me was I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would be telling me a story, then the story would end and I'd get all mad and shit. "Come on man, there's gotta be more to that story!"
* I wake up in the morning, I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, then I don't do shit for an hour. Which makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal! I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
* I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument. Cause then I tried to walk out, and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up really quick?
* I mumble a lot off stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he won't hear me, he'll say "what?" So I'll say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me, so he says "what?" But really it's just some insignificant shit that I'm saying... but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far away!"
* I did comedy for a fundraiser once, we were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.
* I've had the AIDS test four times. And that shit is scary, doesn't matter what you've been doing. So I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore, I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call up my friend Brian and say "Brian, do you know anyone that has AIDS? No? Cool... cause you know me."
* I get the Reese's candy bar... if you read that name, Reese's, that's an "apostrophe s" on the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy named Reese comes buy and says "let me have that", you better hand it over. "I'm sorry Reese, I didn't think I'd ever run into you. You're a Frackin' bully, man!"
* The Kit-Kat candy bar has the name "Kit-Kat" imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique. I'll go down to the factory... "you owe me some letters!"
* As a comedian, I always get into situations where I'm auditioning for movies and sitcoms, you know? As a comedian, they want you to do other things besides comedy. They say "alright you're a comedian, can you write? Write us a script. Act in this sitcom." They want me to do shit that's related to comedy, but it's not comedy, man. It's not fair, you know? It's as though if I was a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a really good cook, and they said "alright you're a cook... can you farm?"
* This one guy said "look at that girl's butt! She has a nice butt." I said "yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently."
* 2 in 1 shampoo... 2 in 1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created. If it was 2 in 1, it would be overflowing... the bottle would be all sticky and shit.
* I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut, man, I'll just give you the money then you give me the doughnut! End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend... don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's at home... in the file... under 'D'.
* I called the hotel operator, she said "how can I direct your call?" Well, you could say "action!" And I will begin to dial. And then when I say goodbye, you could yell "cut!"
* When we were on acid, we would go into the woods... cause when you're in the woods tripping, there's less likely a chance you'll run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. That was even more of a buzzkill. My friend Dwayne was standing there raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear, he put his arm around my shoulder, he said "Mitchell... Smokey is way more intense in person!"
* I had the cab driver drive me here backwards... the Fracker owed me $27.50!
* I bought a scratch-off ticket, but then I accidentally spilled some cortizone cream on it, so it did not need to be scratched.
* I played in a death metal band. People either loved us or they hated us... or they thought we were okay. A lot of death metal bands have intense names, like "Rigormortis" or "Mortuary" or "Obituary". We weren't that intense, we just went with "Injured". Later on we changed it to "A Capella"... as we were walking out of the pawn shop.
* I'm an ice sculptor... last night I made a cube.
* I was in downtown Boise Idaho and I saw a duck. And I knew the duck was lost, cause ducks ain't supposed to be downtown, there's nothing for 'em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop, I said "let me have a bun." But she wouldn't sell me just the bun, she said I had to have something on it. She told me it's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch. So I said alright, well put some lettuce on it. They said, "that'll be $1.75." I said "it's for a duck." They said "alright, well then it's free." See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway!! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. "Let me have the steak fajita sub. But don't bother ringing it up... it's for a duck! There are 6 ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!!"
* I flew over an island that said "S.O.S.", so I landed, because I wanted to clean their pans.
* You know when they show someone on TV, washing their hair under a waterfall? That's Fracking bullshit man... cause that thing would knock you on your ass!
* I saw a billboard for a lottery, it said "estimated lotto jackpot 55 million." See, I did not know that shit was estimated. That would suck if you won and they go, "oh, we were off by two zeros. We estimate that you are angry!"
* My girlfriend works at Hooters... in the kitchen.
* Stephen Lynch is funny, he's a hard act to follow. I'm a hard act to follow too, cause when I'm done I take the microphone with me.
* I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like 222-2222. I would say sweet. People would say "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I would say, "Just press 2 for a while! And when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough."
* I'm so glad I'm almost done the set, man... because I have a roll of Lifesavers in my pocket, and pineapple is next!
* When you go to a restaurant on the weekends, it's busy, so they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrene, party of 2. Table ready for Dufrene, party of 2." And if no one answers, they'll say their name again. "Dufrane, party of 2." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of 3." Yeah... what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! You Frackers are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry - that's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, SEARCH party of 3! You can eat once you find the Dufrenes.
* My manager was concerned, he said "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch... because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely screws up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.
* I used to live here in Los Angeles... and I had an apartment, and I had a neighbor. And whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down. And that made me angry, cause I like loud music. So when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "go around! I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there's nothing... it's just flat!"
* I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
* I smoke cigars occasionally, I don't know a lot about cigars. Like I'm at the cigar store, the man behind the counter says "what kind of cigars do you like?" "Uhh... Itsaboys."
* I used to have really long hair, and people thought I was high on stage, because people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long-haired guy, they'd say "that Fracker eats cake! He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"
* I had a roommate, his name was Eddie, and Eddie was slow on the mental draw. I was writing a letter, I had a problem... I said, "Ed, how do you abbreviate Arkansas?" He said, "I don't know, just start spelling it, then quit!"
* Like, we had a refrigerator with a hard-boiled egg inside, after a few days the shell started to crack. Eddie's first comment was "man, this guy's a survivor!"
* I can't floss my teeth, man... I can't get into the flossing thing. People who smoke cigarettes, they say "man, you don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing!
* You know when you go to concerts, and the kids get on stage and they jump into the crowd, stage diving? People think that's dangerous, but not me. Because humans are made out of 95% water! So the audience is 5 percent away from a pool.
* I rent a lot of cars, cause I go on the road. And when I drive a rental car, I don't know what's going on with it, right? So a lot of times I'll drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake.
* I play the guitar, I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision... because I didn't know how to play it, so I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me.
* I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store and you stand in front of the lunchmeat section for too long, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see, like, turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna... somebody needs to tell the turkeys, "man, just be yourself!"
* I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man! I don't know how I get away with it.
"I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread."
"So do I."
"Well let's form a club then."
"Okay, but we need some more stipulations."
"Yes we do. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again."
"Yes, four triangles. And we will position them into a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips."
"Or potato salad."
"Okay. Lemme ask you a question: how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?"
"I'm for 'em!"
"Well this club is formed. Spread the word on menus nationwide!"
Friday, August 7, 2009
Token Post
since there have apparently been complaints of people getting sick of seeing the same 'Samu' post every day.
I have to do two weeks' effort worth of projects in five days starting tomorrow. Again. So much for turning over a new leaf. How in heaven's name will I have the energy to do a moot straight after that. Followed by the Allen and Overy course. Followed by tax mid term. Followed by Spiritus. Followed by another project (thanfully there is the feeling of having an exemption for the first time to look forward to). Followed by the next moot. Followed by end terms. Interspersed with all these are the organising of various CulComm events. And also the inaugural Five a Side Premier Football League under lights (this should be awesome). Oh, and Quirk too.
When the hell did I become this active??
Hmm, chilling for a week wasn't such a bad idea then. I clearly won't have time to do so again this trimester.
I have to do two weeks' effort worth of projects in five days starting tomorrow. Again. So much for turning over a new leaf. How in heaven's name will I have the energy to do a moot straight after that. Followed by the Allen and Overy course. Followed by tax mid term. Followed by Spiritus. Followed by another project (thanfully there is the feeling of having an exemption for the first time to look forward to). Followed by the next moot. Followed by end terms. Interspersed with all these are the organising of various CulComm events. And also the inaugural Five a Side Premier Football League under lights (this should be awesome). Oh, and Quirk too.
When the hell did I become this active??
Hmm, chilling for a week wasn't such a bad idea then. I clearly won't have time to do so again this trimester.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Top Ten Worst Tech Predictions Of All Time
cogged from Reader's Digest
9. "Spam will be solved."
8. "The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of messenger boys."
7. "Nobody would ever need more than 640 kb of memory on their personal computer."
6. "We stand on the threshhold of rocket mail." (Brings me images of Wile E. Coyote delivering mail for some reason)
5. "There will never be a bigger plane built."
4. TV won't last because people will "soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night."
3. "Nuclear powered vaccum cleaners will probably be a reality in ten years."
2. "No need for a computer at home."
and the winner is
1. "Next Christmas the iPod will be dead. finished, gone, kaput."
10. "X-rays will prove to be a hoax."
-Lord Kelvin, president of the UK's Royal Soiciety, 18839. "Spam will be solved."
-Bill Gates, 2004
8. "The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of messenger boys."
- Sir William Preece, chief engineer of the British Post Office, 1878
7. "Nobody would ever need more than 640 kb of memory on their personal computer."
-Bill Gates, 1981, allegedly
6. "We stand on the threshhold of rocket mail." (Brings me images of Wile E. Coyote delivering mail for some reason)
-US postmaster general Arthur Summerfield, 1969
5. "There will never be a bigger plane built."
-Boeing engineer, 1933, after the maiden flight of a ten-seater Boeing 247
4. TV won't last because people will "soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night."
-Darryl Zanuck, 1946
3. "Nuclear powered vaccum cleaners will probably be a reality in ten years."
-Alex Lewyt, president of the Lewyt Corp vacuum company, 1955
2. "No need for a computer at home."
-Ken Olsen, founder of Digital equipment, 1977
and the winner is
1. "Next Christmas the iPod will be dead. finished, gone, kaput."
-Sir Alan Sugar, 2005
Monday, April 20, 2009
Where There is a Will...
The last fiery rays were clinging to the sky, sending bright red streaks across the horizon in a vain attempt to hang on. The waves crashed against the shore with escalating ferocity as the tide increased by the minute. Each time the beach broke a wave another smashed into it. Slowly the water began creeping upward, inch by inch.
He sat on a rock, legs dangling, and watched all of this. His life had been miserable for a long time, today it had reached its climax. His boss had called him and handed him the pink slip, saying that the orders from above were to 'downsize' the company branch and they had unfortunately named him among the people to be fired. He said nothing and impassively walked away. He knew that no one else had been fired and that he had been chucked out so that the boss's son could join the company. He went straight to the shore, probably entertaining thoughts of drowning and ending his existence there and then.
Now he watched the ocean slowly winning its battle of ground supremacy. A crab scuttled away to higher ground to avoid the sea but was caught in a wave and got pulled back. It waited until the wave had receded and then made a dash for dry land, This time it succeeded, the waves only managing to wash away its trail.
A seagull suddenly dropped out of the sky and dived sharply into the sea, hunting for fishes. it came up a few seconds later, its beak empty. Undeterred, it started circling the area, its eyes focused downwards. In its third attempt, the seagull succeeded and the man watched the fish wriggling in its beak, slowly getting gulped down the seagull's throat.
The next time the seagull dived down, it came up with another fish, but this time the fish twisted and turned with all its might, finally managing to break its hold and flopped back into the sea.
He saw all this and noticed that Nature never gave up. The waves, the land, the crab, the seagull, the fish - all ceaselessly trying to achieve what they set out to do. Even if they did not succeed, they knew that if they kept fighting they would get another opportunity, and that was enough. He decided that he would also keep trying. He never liked his job anyway, so it was no big loss. He now had the chance to start all over again and was not going to let go of the chance. He silently thanked Nature, just as Nature had silently taught him a valuable lesson, and walked off with a spring in his step.
The sun finally set, but it set with dignity and a flaming farewell, as if it knew it was going to rise again at dawn and rule over the sky yet again.
This is an exact reproduction of a piece which was written sometime in Class XII. It started out as a random description writing exercise to pass time in a free period (hence the first paragraph) and developed into a proper prose piece. I didn't think too much of it right then, it was just another random piece of fiction I had come up with, and with a moral to boot. However, I found myself coming back to it in the next few weeks, mostly just reading it. I realised that I had written it subconsciously at some level to help me get through a really tough period. I had rarely showed such optimism in any of my stories, especially the ones I had written around the time. And it did give me the strength to go through a pretty hard time. It's not one of my best fiction pieces, the style is more juvenile than what I usually wrote, but it is very important to me and acted as a tremendous support. It also happens to be one of the very few times a written piece of mine got published (school magazine), so in that sense I'm pretty proud of it. I have reproduced it in a blogpost to remind me to always keep my chin up, and also as a promise to myself that I will get back to prose writing in the vacations, something which is long overdue.
He sat on a rock, legs dangling, and watched all of this. His life had been miserable for a long time, today it had reached its climax. His boss had called him and handed him the pink slip, saying that the orders from above were to 'downsize' the company branch and they had unfortunately named him among the people to be fired. He said nothing and impassively walked away. He knew that no one else had been fired and that he had been chucked out so that the boss's son could join the company. He went straight to the shore, probably entertaining thoughts of drowning and ending his existence there and then.
Now he watched the ocean slowly winning its battle of ground supremacy. A crab scuttled away to higher ground to avoid the sea but was caught in a wave and got pulled back. It waited until the wave had receded and then made a dash for dry land, This time it succeeded, the waves only managing to wash away its trail.
A seagull suddenly dropped out of the sky and dived sharply into the sea, hunting for fishes. it came up a few seconds later, its beak empty. Undeterred, it started circling the area, its eyes focused downwards. In its third attempt, the seagull succeeded and the man watched the fish wriggling in its beak, slowly getting gulped down the seagull's throat.
The next time the seagull dived down, it came up with another fish, but this time the fish twisted and turned with all its might, finally managing to break its hold and flopped back into the sea.
He saw all this and noticed that Nature never gave up. The waves, the land, the crab, the seagull, the fish - all ceaselessly trying to achieve what they set out to do. Even if they did not succeed, they knew that if they kept fighting they would get another opportunity, and that was enough. He decided that he would also keep trying. He never liked his job anyway, so it was no big loss. He now had the chance to start all over again and was not going to let go of the chance. He silently thanked Nature, just as Nature had silently taught him a valuable lesson, and walked off with a spring in his step.
The sun finally set, but it set with dignity and a flaming farewell, as if it knew it was going to rise again at dawn and rule over the sky yet again.
This is an exact reproduction of a piece which was written sometime in Class XII. It started out as a random description writing exercise to pass time in a free period (hence the first paragraph) and developed into a proper prose piece. I didn't think too much of it right then, it was just another random piece of fiction I had come up with, and with a moral to boot. However, I found myself coming back to it in the next few weeks, mostly just reading it. I realised that I had written it subconsciously at some level to help me get through a really tough period. I had rarely showed such optimism in any of my stories, especially the ones I had written around the time. And it did give me the strength to go through a pretty hard time. It's not one of my best fiction pieces, the style is more juvenile than what I usually wrote, but it is very important to me and acted as a tremendous support. It also happens to be one of the very few times a written piece of mine got published (school magazine), so in that sense I'm pretty proud of it. I have reproduced it in a blogpost to remind me to always keep my chin up, and also as a promise to myself that I will get back to prose writing in the vacations, something which is long overdue.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Of Pachyderm Blessings, Queen's Baths and Relaxing Jam Sessions: Hampi Travelogues Day II
Day II saw us arise later than we had planned, but not by much. I woke up the first and set off on a solo stroll up and down the main (well, only) road of the town with my newest toy - the music player. It's always interesting to see and hear a place come to life; the shops open, the thoroughfare begins to get busy and sundry early morning noises and smells fill the air. The walk gave me some useful 'me time' as well. I also found out that Elton John's 'Circle of Life' is an excellent early morning song.
After my walk was done, I came back and screamed at the other two to wake them up. It freaked poor Abu out, he's not used to such tactics. But it had its effect, so what the hell. We trotted to the river and bathed and then had breakfast in an 'Italian Bakery' which claimed to have Al Capone pizza from the board outside the shop. Whether that is true or not, I did have the best ever Spanish omelette I have ever had there. It beats Gokarna's Namaste Cafe hollow. And the homemade bread was excellent as well. Definitely my best meal of the trip.
Now we were raring to do some sightseeing. We decided to start with the main temple around which the town is built. As far as I could tell, it was the only temple from that era still in use. It is the focal point of the Hampi rath festival which I gathered to be the highlight of the year. It is a pretty big temple and I have always found South Indian medieval architecture interesting as I haven't been exposed to it much in my travels. We took a tour of the temple and noticed a bedecked elephant with a crowd mulling about it. Closer inspection revealed that the elephant was trained to take money from the devotee's hands with its trunk, give it to the mahout, and then bless the devotee by putting its trunk over his head. It was a pretty unique experience for me, but since I have read about how the elephants in India are trained through torture, also a slightly jarring one.
We had to hire an auto to visit the ruins as they were too spread apart. The tour around Hampi ruins took about three hours. There were the customary remains of a kingdom, broken down fortresses, a multitude of temples (most of which had their idols ransacked), the public places etc. The Hampi architecture is pretty beautiful, one could recognise the fusion of Indian and Persian styles within the South Indian sensibilities and this amalgam had created a fairly unique style all for its own. They are also durable. The amount of detail in the carvings and statues still remaining after 600 years is remarkable. The Mughal ruins in North India are pretty eroded and run down in comparison, even though they are from a later era. Goo was highly anticipating the visit to the 'Queen's Bath' ever since he had seen it in the map (naturally), but it turned to be quite a downer; a simple squarish building with a big empty bath and the customary carvings on the wall. I don't know whether Goo actually expected to find women still bathing there but he looked highly disappointed at seeing it.
By the time the tour ended we had been baked by the sun. All the pansies who are complaining about the Bangalore sun should go to the Deccan plateau for a couple of days right now. They'll stop complaining. We decided to go relax at the coolest near place we knew, Mango Tree restaurant and chill there till evening. We borrowed a guitar from a German tourist and Abu played, and Goo and me sang softly, just like our terrace jam sessions (except for the 'softly' part). It was a most relaxing time. The guitar's owner was clearly impressed by Abu's wizardry with it and kept giving furtive glances at his direction. Finally she mustered up the courage to come on over and asked him to teach the chords for 'Brain Damage'. A fairly stoned Abu was quite surprised by this but he took it in his stride and began to teach her. She actually picked it up quickly enough and was playing it decently and it sounded nice.. until she started to sing. Her voice was weirdly awful and monotonous (although I shouldn't be one to talk about godawful voices here). She was good company otherwise though and we also befriended a group of British hippies there. Once you got past the annoying accent, they were quite nice as well.
We came back and did our shopping for the various gifts etc we had to give out. Goo took a long time because he was suddenly gripped with an indecision mania at the wrong time. Then we had an hour or so till sunset before we headed back to Hospet. We decided to go back where we had started the trip, up the rocks where we had seen the sunrise. We found a good spot overlooking the town, recollected the trip, talked about how if some other people were there it would have been so much better, but then again we could have never done so much with a big group, and generally batted the breeze.
And that's how our Hampi trip ended. It was a beautiful experience.
After my walk was done, I came back and screamed at the other two to wake them up. It freaked poor Abu out, he's not used to such tactics. But it had its effect, so what the hell. We trotted to the river and bathed and then had breakfast in an 'Italian Bakery' which claimed to have Al Capone pizza from the board outside the shop. Whether that is true or not, I did have the best ever Spanish omelette I have ever had there. It beats Gokarna's Namaste Cafe hollow. And the homemade bread was excellent as well. Definitely my best meal of the trip.
Now we were raring to do some sightseeing. We decided to start with the main temple around which the town is built. As far as I could tell, it was the only temple from that era still in use. It is the focal point of the Hampi rath festival which I gathered to be the highlight of the year. It is a pretty big temple and I have always found South Indian medieval architecture interesting as I haven't been exposed to it much in my travels. We took a tour of the temple and noticed a bedecked elephant with a crowd mulling about it. Closer inspection revealed that the elephant was trained to take money from the devotee's hands with its trunk, give it to the mahout, and then bless the devotee by putting its trunk over his head. It was a pretty unique experience for me, but since I have read about how the elephants in India are trained through torture, also a slightly jarring one.
We had to hire an auto to visit the ruins as they were too spread apart. The tour around Hampi ruins took about three hours. There were the customary remains of a kingdom, broken down fortresses, a multitude of temples (most of which had their idols ransacked), the public places etc. The Hampi architecture is pretty beautiful, one could recognise the fusion of Indian and Persian styles within the South Indian sensibilities and this amalgam had created a fairly unique style all for its own. They are also durable. The amount of detail in the carvings and statues still remaining after 600 years is remarkable. The Mughal ruins in North India are pretty eroded and run down in comparison, even though they are from a later era. Goo was highly anticipating the visit to the 'Queen's Bath' ever since he had seen it in the map (naturally), but it turned to be quite a downer; a simple squarish building with a big empty bath and the customary carvings on the wall. I don't know whether Goo actually expected to find women still bathing there but he looked highly disappointed at seeing it.
By the time the tour ended we had been baked by the sun. All the pansies who are complaining about the Bangalore sun should go to the Deccan plateau for a couple of days right now. They'll stop complaining. We decided to go relax at the coolest near place we knew, Mango Tree restaurant and chill there till evening. We borrowed a guitar from a German tourist and Abu played, and Goo and me sang softly, just like our terrace jam sessions (except for the 'softly' part). It was a most relaxing time. The guitar's owner was clearly impressed by Abu's wizardry with it and kept giving furtive glances at his direction. Finally she mustered up the courage to come on over and asked him to teach the chords for 'Brain Damage'. A fairly stoned Abu was quite surprised by this but he took it in his stride and began to teach her. She actually picked it up quickly enough and was playing it decently and it sounded nice.. until she started to sing. Her voice was weirdly awful and monotonous (although I shouldn't be one to talk about godawful voices here). She was good company otherwise though and we also befriended a group of British hippies there. Once you got past the annoying accent, they were quite nice as well.
We came back and did our shopping for the various gifts etc we had to give out. Goo took a long time because he was suddenly gripped with an indecision mania at the wrong time. Then we had an hour or so till sunset before we headed back to Hospet. We decided to go back where we had started the trip, up the rocks where we had seen the sunrise. We found a good spot overlooking the town, recollected the trip, talked about how if some other people were there it would have been so much better, but then again we could have never done so much with a big group, and generally batted the breeze.
And that's how our Hampi trip ended. It was a beautiful experience.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Of Dawn Treks, Section 3 and a Little Slice of Paradise: Hampi Travelogues Day I
Every blog once in a while always turns into a boring travelogue. This is it for mine.
On what was mostly a whim and a fancy, and a burning desire to temporarily leave law school environs, Goo, self and Abu caught a bus and landed in Hampi, the site of arguably the only proper kingdom Karnataka can boast of. As we discovered, it's a pretty hippie place as well. I was admittedly the sober third wheel of the little group but that didn't detract from my having a good time.
We came to the town at the early hours of six a.m. and the auto driver was good enough to actually show us a decent, cheap place to stay. After dumping our luggage, we set out on an early morning trek to check the place out. We climbed up what looked like an unfinished path up the mountain and were treated to a glorious view of the early morning sun from the top overlooking some temple complex. The trip was off to good start. We also first encountered the signs which said that that particular construction was protected by Section 3 of the Karnataka Archaeological (something something) Act. These signs had mushroomed everywhere and had been slapped on everything, over the course of our trip we found them stuck on random rocks as wells. We don't know why, but we found this quite amusing.
Then we had an average breakfast (charitably speaking - it was our only below par meal on the trip) and went to the river. The other two bathed in the river while I guarded the luggage. I had already taken a bath so it wasn't a big deal. Then we all went into iguana mode, found a nice rock (the whole area is unbelievably rocky) with a good view of the river and the town and smoked (well, they smoked, I just threw sand at passing dogs and scared the hell out of them.) Then we found a much better place called 'Mango Tree' for another round of breakfast. It was a gorgeously shady open air place where you could just lean back against the slanted walls and relax. Which is what we did. The food was good too.
All this happened before my batch started class.
Now comes the real part of the day's events. The time had come to pass when Goo and Abu desperately needed to score. Their junkie radar told them that the stuff would be found across the river. So we crossed it. Then a little kid in an auto blasted us when we asked him where it could be found (that was one of their plans, to ask a young auto driver. I didn't realsie they were desperate enough to ask a kid). The kid ended his rant with the firm words of "Follow the Road, and don't look back". Of course, he was admonishing us, but it proved to be very sound advice. Having nothing whatsoever to go upon, we followed the road. Every once in a while we would question the sanity of going blindly into nowhere, but I guess the heat had made us kinda insane.
After walking forever, we did manage to score, thanks to directions given by a foreign wanderer with a straw hat and a stick. Then we went back to this place called 'Arba Mistika' which we had stumbled upon while we were searching.
It was a little oasis in the middle of nowhere. Run by a young guy in dreadlocks, it was home to a whole bunch of hippies, and the booze and narcotics was flowing like water. There was a central tent which was magically cool within the unbearable heat and nice, relaxing, trippy music was playing. Mattresses around low lying tables completed the setup.
The guys exchanged their stuff with the other hippies and we soon made friends. There was a German sadhu chap called Marcos, a Dutch kurta wearing fellow named Ramko and who preferred to be addressed as Ram, an Argentinian theatre chick whose name I've forgotten and some others. The others were happy with their grass and hash, I was happy with my beer and chicken (the rest of the town's places were vegetarian except for eggs :|) and my naps. We chilled there till evening and what a glorious few hours they were. Even till the next day Goo kept asking Abu whether they didn't imagine the place up in some stony haze and I had to assure them that they didn't.
As the sun fell we regretfully headed back to our side of the river and crashed in our room. Which was a good thing because the other two were really tired and high still and they needed some sleep. We woke up and went to this Tibetan run establishment for dinner. I had excellent thukpa for the first time after Gokarna but the highlight was a dessert dish called 'Hello to the Queen' which Goo ordered. It had molten chocolate, biscuits, fried bananas topped off with a scoop of icecream and was excellent. The ambience was dim and serene. Another good spot discovered.
We came back and slept soundly. And thus our first day was done.
Highlight of the Day: Arba Mistika, by far.
On what was mostly a whim and a fancy, and a burning desire to temporarily leave law school environs, Goo, self and Abu caught a bus and landed in Hampi, the site of arguably the only proper kingdom Karnataka can boast of. As we discovered, it's a pretty hippie place as well. I was admittedly the sober third wheel of the little group but that didn't detract from my having a good time.
We came to the town at the early hours of six a.m. and the auto driver was good enough to actually show us a decent, cheap place to stay. After dumping our luggage, we set out on an early morning trek to check the place out. We climbed up what looked like an unfinished path up the mountain and were treated to a glorious view of the early morning sun from the top overlooking some temple complex. The trip was off to good start. We also first encountered the signs which said that that particular construction was protected by Section 3 of the Karnataka Archaeological (something something) Act. These signs had mushroomed everywhere and had been slapped on everything, over the course of our trip we found them stuck on random rocks as wells. We don't know why, but we found this quite amusing.
Then we had an average breakfast (charitably speaking - it was our only below par meal on the trip) and went to the river. The other two bathed in the river while I guarded the luggage. I had already taken a bath so it wasn't a big deal. Then we all went into iguana mode, found a nice rock (the whole area is unbelievably rocky) with a good view of the river and the town and smoked (well, they smoked, I just threw sand at passing dogs and scared the hell out of them.) Then we found a much better place called 'Mango Tree' for another round of breakfast. It was a gorgeously shady open air place where you could just lean back against the slanted walls and relax. Which is what we did. The food was good too.
All this happened before my batch started class.
Now comes the real part of the day's events. The time had come to pass when Goo and Abu desperately needed to score. Their junkie radar told them that the stuff would be found across the river. So we crossed it. Then a little kid in an auto blasted us when we asked him where it could be found (that was one of their plans, to ask a young auto driver. I didn't realsie they were desperate enough to ask a kid). The kid ended his rant with the firm words of "Follow the Road, and don't look back". Of course, he was admonishing us, but it proved to be very sound advice. Having nothing whatsoever to go upon, we followed the road. Every once in a while we would question the sanity of going blindly into nowhere, but I guess the heat had made us kinda insane.
After walking forever, we did manage to score, thanks to directions given by a foreign wanderer with a straw hat and a stick. Then we went back to this place called 'Arba Mistika' which we had stumbled upon while we were searching.
It was a little oasis in the middle of nowhere. Run by a young guy in dreadlocks, it was home to a whole bunch of hippies, and the booze and narcotics was flowing like water. There was a central tent which was magically cool within the unbearable heat and nice, relaxing, trippy music was playing. Mattresses around low lying tables completed the setup.
The guys exchanged their stuff with the other hippies and we soon made friends. There was a German sadhu chap called Marcos, a Dutch kurta wearing fellow named Ramko and who preferred to be addressed as Ram, an Argentinian theatre chick whose name I've forgotten and some others. The others were happy with their grass and hash, I was happy with my beer and chicken (the rest of the town's places were vegetarian except for eggs :|) and my naps. We chilled there till evening and what a glorious few hours they were. Even till the next day Goo kept asking Abu whether they didn't imagine the place up in some stony haze and I had to assure them that they didn't.
As the sun fell we regretfully headed back to our side of the river and crashed in our room. Which was a good thing because the other two were really tired and high still and they needed some sleep. We woke up and went to this Tibetan run establishment for dinner. I had excellent thukpa for the first time after Gokarna but the highlight was a dessert dish called 'Hello to the Queen' which Goo ordered. It had molten chocolate, biscuits, fried bananas topped off with a scoop of icecream and was excellent. The ambience was dim and serene. Another good spot discovered.
We came back and slept soundly. And thus our first day was done.
Highlight of the Day: Arba Mistika, by far.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Why Oh Why did the Ducks Cross the Road?
This is so f*cked up. I personally believe that the pictures lie but that's mostly for the sake of my sanity.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
A Day Older than Yesterday, 7 Years after Childhood
So I quietly left my teens today, not much of a choice when mostly everyone I know is studying for repeats. Still, I suppose it was the best way to have spent this Birthday, gave me time to contemplate. I treated myself to a nice Peking lunch, slept through the afternoon, finished some more of that blasted placement diary and then ended it with an absolute mad session of PES with Nikki and Jannu with three controllers, so we would play two against one.. and the team with two players would typically have no coordination and be hilariously all over the place.
Do I feel any different? No, not really. I'm just a day older than I was yesterday and that's obviously not a life changing duration, even if it is a symbolically important day. But I did leave my teens behind, and although that's more symbolic than anything, it got me thinking of seven years ago when I stopped being a child and became a teenager. Life has certainly changed since then, I don't have to wear a uniform anymore, I see things less in black and white than I did, I have to shave regularly, and a million of other things. I am, what is called, becoming mature. Those days in Rajasthan, Delhi, and even Kolkata are gone.
What I think about is whether my growing up has amounted to this?
Have I left that child behind? I hope not. I hope that no matter how ripe an age I grow up to be, there is always some of the child and of the teen in me, I really, really do. For the record, I comfortably believe that I still have the kid who went to seven schools in me and gives me good counsel when I need him. A toast then to the continuing of this relationship. Here's to me and me.
P.S. thanks for the wishes everyone :)
Do I feel any different? No, not really. I'm just a day older than I was yesterday and that's obviously not a life changing duration, even if it is a symbolically important day. But I did leave my teens behind, and although that's more symbolic than anything, it got me thinking of seven years ago when I stopped being a child and became a teenager. Life has certainly changed since then, I don't have to wear a uniform anymore, I see things less in black and white than I did, I have to shave regularly, and a million of other things. I am, what is called, becoming mature. Those days in Rajasthan, Delhi, and even Kolkata are gone.
What I think about is whether my growing up has amounted to this?
Have I left that child behind? I hope not. I hope that no matter how ripe an age I grow up to be, there is always some of the child and of the teen in me, I really, really do. For the record, I comfortably believe that I still have the kid who went to seven schools in me and gives me good counsel when I need him. A toast then to the continuing of this relationship. Here's to me and me.
P.S. thanks for the wishes everyone :)
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Rants, News and some 'Tagging'
Intolerance reached a new level of absurdity when protesters prevented the construction of a Charlie Chaplin statue in Udupi on the grounds that he is a Christian... and therefore, our Hindu sensibilities will be offended when we see that famous moustache and bowler hat mocking us from their high pedestal. Some of us will probably succumb to depression and go drown ourselves on seeing that blasphemic sight.
chills my living bones
This is a Cracked.com article waiting to happen. How can anyone take this seriously? Thankfully, no one really has, not even Muthalik, who has condenscendingly rubbished it saying that Chaplin was never projected as a Chritian and therefore, everyone should view him as an artiste. Muthalik's comment has been tagged as 'Surprise of the Day' by Sunday Times, a nicely not-so-subtle dig on our misogynist crusader.
On a slightly related note, one of my favourite sad quotes belongs to this ultimate funnyman, more so because I have done it: "I always like to walk in the rain as no one can see me crying."
.....
The first week of the trimester has rumbled by and with the varying and, so far, mostly chilled out schedule we have had, it actually feels like we're in one of those filmi colleges where no one ever studies. It's not going to last, already the shadow of repeats and placement diary has put brakes to it, but it was nice all the same. And unlike most other pseudos, I had openly admitted that I had become restless sitting at home and was really looking forward to law school reopening. It's amazing how many people have indicated the same after a little prodding. If only we didn't cling to this falsely 'cool' sense of belief that law school is this unbearable hellhole where every minute is torture, then we could really enjoy our last really free years before career drudgery consumes our souls.
.....
Couple of blogs you can visit if you are not doing anything.
Firstly, this crazy one. It's by Dan Piraro who is the creator of the Bizarro syndicated comic strip. It's an absolutely fantastic read. The man's clever and hilarious, the best combination.
Then there is Neil Gaiman' blog. You probably already knew about it but what the heck.
chills my living bones
This is a Cracked.com article waiting to happen. How can anyone take this seriously? Thankfully, no one really has, not even Muthalik, who has condenscendingly rubbished it saying that Chaplin was never projected as a Chritian and therefore, everyone should view him as an artiste. Muthalik's comment has been tagged as 'Surprise of the Day' by Sunday Times, a nicely not-so-subtle dig on our misogynist crusader.
On a slightly related note, one of my favourite sad quotes belongs to this ultimate funnyman, more so because I have done it: "I always like to walk in the rain as no one can see me crying."
.....
The first week of the trimester has rumbled by and with the varying and, so far, mostly chilled out schedule we have had, it actually feels like we're in one of those filmi colleges where no one ever studies. It's not going to last, already the shadow of repeats and placement diary has put brakes to it, but it was nice all the same. And unlike most other pseudos, I had openly admitted that I had become restless sitting at home and was really looking forward to law school reopening. It's amazing how many people have indicated the same after a little prodding. If only we didn't cling to this falsely 'cool' sense of belief that law school is this unbearable hellhole where every minute is torture, then we could really enjoy our last really free years before career drudgery consumes our souls.
.....
Couple of blogs you can visit if you are not doing anything.
Firstly, this crazy one. It's by Dan Piraro who is the creator of the Bizarro syndicated comic strip. It's an absolutely fantastic read. The man's clever and hilarious, the best combination.
Then there is Neil Gaiman' blog. You probably already knew about it but what the heck.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Times Gone By
Have been feeling very nostalgic lately, I do get into these moods now and then. Thankfully, this time it's not been about bad memories, for the most part. Mostly the happier times have come back, I guess I needed to cheer myself up, been feeling unaccountably down for a while now. But the remembered memories have been very varied, stretching over years and places, and about completely different things, things I thought I had forgotten and things which I can never forget. Don't remember when was the last time I flashed my life back so much.
Let's see, in the past few days I have recollected...
The adda outside Amartya Sir's (Maths tuition) classroom before the gates were opened. Good, fun times with certain friends I never met anywhere else and probably never will.
Screaming silently and going mad when Juliano Belletti scored the winner for Barca in the 2006 Champions League final. The silent part was because my Dad had made an exception and let me watch the match which was then in his bedroom in mute and I couldn't wake him.
The time, in class VI when I moved to a new colony in Delhi and a school friend introduced me to the cricket playing kids. Somehow the team selection was poor and I was the only one in my team who considered himself to be a bowler (that's a rarity in kids). So even though I was a newbie, I got the first over.
I took four wickets in my first five balls. If there ever was a fairytale debut, this was it.
The time when we were playing football after school in DBPC (class XI, I think) and I scored my best goal ever. I went to receive the throw in well within my own half. The throw was poor and onto my head, with two opponents guarding me. I improvised a turn with a short seal dribble and left them behind. Looked up and saw no teammate in front of me to pass to. So I took off, beat four defenders and then the keeper with a neat finish. It's one of those things which I can unashamedly boast about, and do. As soon as the ball touched my head I got the feeling that nothing can go wrong, I know exactly what to do. Guess other footballers will know what I'm talking about. Even when I grow old and start losing my memory, I have no doubt the memory of that feeling is one I will hang on to till the end. For the record, my favourite part of the move was the finish, although most people remember the head dribble.
Someone called Mehtab Samra. I have met him once in the last 12 years and have no contact with him. Yet, I consider him to be one of the best friends I ever made (and I have made quite a few). We were inseparable. In fact, in school we talked so much, they couldn't shut us up just by ordering us to sit in sifferent desks. They had to put us in different classrooms. Wonder what he's up to now.
The time I got electrocuted by a lamp-post. I was stupidly swinging around it and my hand went inside the open fusebox.
Various parts of the Rajasthan trip we took in 1995. It's part of my earliest clear memories.
Various parts of the Himachal trip we took in 2000. When we were staying in Manali, my Dad had the bright idea to take a walk in the night. We started without a torch and walked till we couldn't see anything and then we walked some more before common sense forced us to turn back. Next morning we retraced our steps and realised we had come as close as 3 feet from the bank of River Beas which ran next to where we were staying. It wasn't one of the wimpy calm rivers either, it was a mountain river and was frigging fast and rocky and dangerous. We had nearly died without knowing it.
Cinna's house, and the time when we made that satellite dish thingie for the science exhibition. We called it a PSCD unit; P-something Sound Collecting Dish. Spending those couple of days i making it is one of the most fun times I ever had.
The time, the only time, I flunked Maths, in class IX. I flunked because I got suddenly freaked out before the exam and the exam went badly. I resolved to never get scared for any exam ever again. I haven't yet. Touchwood.
The time when I was forced to debate in school by the blasted teacher because the chap didn't turn and I was the blasted VP of the House, on the day of the debate when the motions had been released a few days back. My knees were knocking badly behind the podium while I gave my speech; public speaking is not my thing. Still, I came 6th out of 16, that's not so bad.
Remembered a few other things too, but the post is too long already. I'll leave that for next time. If you are thinking why there are no law school memories on the list, it's because law school is very much the current phase of my life, I have nothing to feel nostalgic about. It's not yet a time gone by.
Let's see, in the past few days I have recollected...
The adda outside Amartya Sir's (Maths tuition) classroom before the gates were opened. Good, fun times with certain friends I never met anywhere else and probably never will.
Screaming silently and going mad when Juliano Belletti scored the winner for Barca in the 2006 Champions League final. The silent part was because my Dad had made an exception and let me watch the match which was then in his bedroom in mute and I couldn't wake him.
The time, in class VI when I moved to a new colony in Delhi and a school friend introduced me to the cricket playing kids. Somehow the team selection was poor and I was the only one in my team who considered himself to be a bowler (that's a rarity in kids). So even though I was a newbie, I got the first over.
I took four wickets in my first five balls. If there ever was a fairytale debut, this was it.
The time when we were playing football after school in DBPC (class XI, I think) and I scored my best goal ever. I went to receive the throw in well within my own half. The throw was poor and onto my head, with two opponents guarding me. I improvised a turn with a short seal dribble and left them behind. Looked up and saw no teammate in front of me to pass to. So I took off, beat four defenders and then the keeper with a neat finish. It's one of those things which I can unashamedly boast about, and do. As soon as the ball touched my head I got the feeling that nothing can go wrong, I know exactly what to do. Guess other footballers will know what I'm talking about. Even when I grow old and start losing my memory, I have no doubt the memory of that feeling is one I will hang on to till the end. For the record, my favourite part of the move was the finish, although most people remember the head dribble.
Someone called Mehtab Samra. I have met him once in the last 12 years and have no contact with him. Yet, I consider him to be one of the best friends I ever made (and I have made quite a few). We were inseparable. In fact, in school we talked so much, they couldn't shut us up just by ordering us to sit in sifferent desks. They had to put us in different classrooms. Wonder what he's up to now.
The time I got electrocuted by a lamp-post. I was stupidly swinging around it and my hand went inside the open fusebox.
Various parts of the Rajasthan trip we took in 1995. It's part of my earliest clear memories.
Various parts of the Himachal trip we took in 2000. When we were staying in Manali, my Dad had the bright idea to take a walk in the night. We started without a torch and walked till we couldn't see anything and then we walked some more before common sense forced us to turn back. Next morning we retraced our steps and realised we had come as close as 3 feet from the bank of River Beas which ran next to where we were staying. It wasn't one of the wimpy calm rivers either, it was a mountain river and was frigging fast and rocky and dangerous. We had nearly died without knowing it.
Cinna's house, and the time when we made that satellite dish thingie for the science exhibition. We called it a PSCD unit; P-something Sound Collecting Dish. Spending those couple of days i making it is one of the most fun times I ever had.
The time, the only time, I flunked Maths, in class IX. I flunked because I got suddenly freaked out before the exam and the exam went badly. I resolved to never get scared for any exam ever again. I haven't yet. Touchwood.
The time when I was forced to debate in school by the blasted teacher because the chap didn't turn and I was the blasted VP of the House, on the day of the debate when the motions had been released a few days back. My knees were knocking badly behind the podium while I gave my speech; public speaking is not my thing. Still, I came 6th out of 16, that's not so bad.
Remembered a few other things too, but the post is too long already. I'll leave that for next time. If you are thinking why there are no law school memories on the list, it's because law school is very much the current phase of my life, I have nothing to feel nostalgic about. It's not yet a time gone by.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
What is Freedom?
I've been pondering on this a while now. What is it really like to be completely free? None of us are.
There are always restrictions. Some say it is about equal opportunity. But to truly say there is equal opportunity you have to say that both of them have the equal capability to take it. Do any two people have that?
Others say it is about freedom of choice. Nobody ever has full freedom to choose. I cannot leave college if I wanted to, the repurcussions on my family will be too severe. Or is it that I chose to care about what happened to my family and which have influenced my decisions. Certainly there have been several points in my life where I've been tempted to chuck it all (and by all I mean all), what has held me back each time?
Society will always have rules and restrictions. Does this mean to be completely free one has to be outside the society? It seems to be so, then all of us hungry for freedom should simply leave society. Certainly this has been tried many times, but how many have succeeded. Where are the San Francisco hippies of the 60s, they're living sedate little suburban family lives or running a corporation or whatever. They are back in the society.
So what does this mean. I think it means that we never truly want complete freedom because the struggle for it brings the biggest fear there is - fear of the unknown. We don't know what we would get if we get what we wish for. So we rebel a bit and then join the mainstream, or our rebellion becomes the mainstream and then changes face completely. Restrictions are our security blanket and we're all Linuses who are scared to get rid of it. But he did it in the end, maybe the rest of us will take the cue someday, then again, maybe it's not such a good idea.
I was thinking of all this yesterday night when this song of Beatles (who else) started playing. I think it explains the struggle for freedom better than I ever could.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.
Blackbird fly Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
Blackbird fly Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
There are always restrictions. Some say it is about equal opportunity. But to truly say there is equal opportunity you have to say that both of them have the equal capability to take it. Do any two people have that?
Others say it is about freedom of choice. Nobody ever has full freedom to choose. I cannot leave college if I wanted to, the repurcussions on my family will be too severe. Or is it that I chose to care about what happened to my family and which have influenced my decisions. Certainly there have been several points in my life where I've been tempted to chuck it all (and by all I mean all), what has held me back each time?
Society will always have rules and restrictions. Does this mean to be completely free one has to be outside the society? It seems to be so, then all of us hungry for freedom should simply leave society. Certainly this has been tried many times, but how many have succeeded. Where are the San Francisco hippies of the 60s, they're living sedate little suburban family lives or running a corporation or whatever. They are back in the society.
So what does this mean. I think it means that we never truly want complete freedom because the struggle for it brings the biggest fear there is - fear of the unknown. We don't know what we would get if we get what we wish for. So we rebel a bit and then join the mainstream, or our rebellion becomes the mainstream and then changes face completely. Restrictions are our security blanket and we're all Linuses who are scared to get rid of it. But he did it in the end, maybe the rest of us will take the cue someday, then again, maybe it's not such a good idea.
I was thinking of all this yesterday night when this song of Beatles (who else) started playing. I think it explains the struggle for freedom better than I ever could.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.
Blackbird fly Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
Blackbird fly Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Wrong Number
True story.
This happened today at my internship. Somebody called the number in the office room where is also the little table which is the internship workspace and one of the firm's employees picked it up. It was a wrong number which he duly informed the woman on the other side and hung up. Five seconds later the phone rang again. He picked it and hung up immediately to convey to the thick-headed caller that she had called the same number again.
Well, ten seconds later the phone inevitably rang again. Now our man got pissed. Us lowly interns looked over amusingly to see how he'll tackle it. He picked it up, listened and said (this loses some of its charm when translated from Bengali though), "Yes, Madam is in, I'll just call her." Then he kept her on hold phone for about ten seconds.
Finally he picked it up again and said, "I'm sorry, Madam is not here. She's gone out on a date with her boyfriend." Clearly the caller was taken aback because he had to repeat what he said to assure her that she had heard right. "Her mobile number, let's see, its 9836652235."... "Yes, yes that's it. But do not disturb her too much, she's on a private outing."... "My name? I'm Arindam" (he's not) and then he hung up for the woman and let her loose to harangue someone else. It was really a show of brilliant acting since he pulled it off impromptu with a completely straight face. By the end of it we were in splits.
Who knows, maybe the woman got our number the same way we gave her the next one, considering she was so adamant in believing it was the right number. If I were Douglas Adams I could have successfully spun out a theory of how the woman may be trying to call Madam for years now, only to be shunted from number to number, and ending up as the telephonic equivalent of some unsuccessful bounty hunter. Meanwhile, as a sub plot, Madam would be married and having her third kid by next month. But since I'm not and such literary talents are beyond me, I'll leave it here.
This happened today at my internship. Somebody called the number in the office room where is also the little table which is the internship workspace and one of the firm's employees picked it up. It was a wrong number which he duly informed the woman on the other side and hung up. Five seconds later the phone rang again. He picked it and hung up immediately to convey to the thick-headed caller that she had called the same number again.
Well, ten seconds later the phone inevitably rang again. Now our man got pissed. Us lowly interns looked over amusingly to see how he'll tackle it. He picked it up, listened and said (this loses some of its charm when translated from Bengali though), "Yes, Madam is in, I'll just call her." Then he kept her on hold phone for about ten seconds.
Finally he picked it up again and said, "I'm sorry, Madam is not here. She's gone out on a date with her boyfriend." Clearly the caller was taken aback because he had to repeat what he said to assure her that she had heard right. "Her mobile number, let's see, its 9836652235."... "Yes, yes that's it. But do not disturb her too much, she's on a private outing."... "My name? I'm Arindam" (he's not) and then he hung up for the woman and let her loose to harangue someone else. It was really a show of brilliant acting since he pulled it off impromptu with a completely straight face. By the end of it we were in splits.
Who knows, maybe the woman got our number the same way we gave her the next one, considering she was so adamant in believing it was the right number. If I were Douglas Adams I could have successfully spun out a theory of how the woman may be trying to call Madam for years now, only to be shunted from number to number, and ending up as the telephonic equivalent of some unsuccessful bounty hunter. Meanwhile, as a sub plot, Madam would be married and having her third kid by next month. But since I'm not and such literary talents are beyond me, I'll leave it here.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
The Simple Things
Isn't it funny how the little things sometimes give you the most pleasure? I came to know yesterday (Friday) in my internship that I have Saturdays off too, along with Sundays. It pleased me no end, as much as my miraculous escape in a certain hellish course.
So that's four more days to completely laze around. At least I spent some of this one productively by whipping up a title image. I'm still very much a Photoshop newbie so every one of my creations makes me really proud (another one of those little things). Although this one was ridiculously easy to make once I found the right background in deviantart which I could crop and modify. It even somehow ended up with the slight blurry effect which I think enhances it.
I imagine it as Morpheus observing us from wherever he is (or something). The Earth and all of us are just part of a fine yarn which the Kindly Ones have yet to finish making something out of.
So that's four more days to completely laze around. At least I spent some of this one productively by whipping up a title image. I'm still very much a Photoshop newbie so every one of my creations makes me really proud (another one of those little things). Although this one was ridiculously easy to make once I found the right background in deviantart which I could crop and modify. It even somehow ended up with the slight blurry effect which I think enhances it.
I imagine it as Morpheus observing us from wherever he is (or something). The Earth and all of us are just part of a fine yarn which the Kindly Ones have yet to finish making something out of.
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